How To Ruin Lives 101

Yesterday I watched the final half-hour of Kill Bill over breakfast, and later in the day got a 30-minute remedial massage + acupuncture from ‘Master Zhao Ming’, a hardcore little Chinese dude my mum used to go to. And the two came together at one point when Ming did this thing to my neck, that felt exactly the way the “Five-Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique” looked in Kill Bill. And I thought Jesus, this dude could kill me. And it got me thinking for the rest of the massage.

What triggered this thinking was the dim mok, or ‘death touch’, which is basically just concentrated reverse acupuncture. It’s that thing you see when What’s-her-name kills Bill – a very quick, precise jab in the right area that’s apparently fatal if done correctly. The Old-World Asian equivalent of a bullet to the head.

Now, this idea that came to me is kind of on the same wavelength as my Custom-Made Porn idea – so 50% brilliant/50% demented – and definitely not something to bandy around at a party full of doctors & lawyers. BUT.

The idea’s based on the premise that everything has a Dark Side. A yin to its yang. And all this New Age stuff that’s becoming so popular now – the acupuncture, the aromatherapy, the feng shui… it must all have its reverse applications. Its capacity to harm as well as heal. Fuck up as well as fix.

So my idea is, you hire out your services as a Revenge Appropriator. For money, you do the opposite of what the books tell you. You ruin people’s lives for other people’s satisfaction, by posing as a feng shui practitioner. You put a big mirror opposite their front door and bounce out all their luck. You put a dull, ugly object in their Relationships sphere, and watch as their partner breaks out in acne and watches TV in silence all day. You put their bed in the coffin position, so they’ve got their back to the door & windows, and watch as the bags under their eyes grow bigger & darker. You send them to IKEA to buy anything impractical & angular. Anything that’ll send out bad chi.

And it doesn’t have to be limited to arranging furniture. Burn the right combination of oils and you can induce headaches and nausea. Poke an acupuncture needle in the right place and you can make a man impotent. So he’ll never be able to cheat again. Poke him in another place and you can clamp his jaw. So he’ll never be able to talk shit again. Hell, treat him to a fake Tarot reading so he can be told that his future’s screwed – he’s about to get warts on his dick and fired from his job to boot. Watch the poor son of a bitch panic, and turn fiction into reality through sheer belief.

Anyway…… just an idea 🙂

2 thoughts on “How To Ruin Lives 101

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